if it gets worse before it gets better...

i've confided in my closest friends now. the hours of sitting alone crying when i first found out couldn't last forever. even if i tried to contain it, i couldn't hide my emotion-- my tears fall involuntarily, uncontrollably. i've told them, but not the whole story. i can't disclose the complete facts. it hurts too much. i'm too much of a fool in the truth. at least i can keep some dignity by telling the almost-truth.

the truth is that i want to call him, but there is no him. the truth is i have already forgiven, but i still have a grudge. it comes back every time i think about any of this. how much of a fool i am. how naive can one girl really be? i've surpassed even my own limits of denial.

four years. for years of deception. and i never picked up on it. never second guessed him. not once.

everything is a reminder. every movie that we watched together, nearly every song in my library has some meaning from our "relationship" attached to it. bullshit.

yet, somehow i understand. i have those same desires; to be accepted unconditionally, to just be loved. yet it was all a fantasy... and i was the one who needed to let go of my fantasies? hilarious. heartbreaking, crushing, agonizing, and hilarious.

i can't concentrate. i'm consumed by the outrage, the hurt, the blindsided sweep of emotions. sweep, that reminds me, too. everything i say, do, think reminds me of who i thought he was. God, how wrong can you be about someone who you think you know? i can't go out with friends, i just sit home and cry. i can't study because my thoughts get lost in the text and drift back to some moment from the past four years that i know now was never real. i can't sleep because i dream that things are the way that they used to (appear to) be. damn it.

and just that day! just that day we had spoken about how we were the others only complete confidante! "you are the only person who knows everything about me." ..everything but the most important thing. i knew everything all right. every lie. everything that was fantasy, i knew. reality, i knew nothing of.

and i laid it all out there for this person, only to be screwed again, in the end, in the ultimate, most painful manner.

i'll never trust again. and that sucks so bad. again, tears.