the truth is...

the truth is something that i could never say out loud.

i'm so excited for bethany and chance, who just got engaged. i'm excited for all of my sisters who have just gotten engaged or married. i'm looking forward to rachel's wedding in september, and i'm working on my maid-of-honorly duties.

but, every time someone i love has a ring slipped on her finger, i cry a little bit more.

this is ridiculous, right? why should i be anything but elated for the happiness of my friends? why am i so jealous? i know exactly why. i want to be loved, and i want to be loved so badly.

tomorrow, i'll be more than excited and ready to hear all about chance's proposal and i'll be dying to see beth's ring in person. i'll be genuinely happy for them, and i know i will. but tonight, it just hurts. something that is completely uninvolved with me, hurts, because i have this uncontrollable jealousy. i HATE it. i just want to be happy for my friends, but i'm so tainted, it kills me. tonight, i sit here writing to no one with tears streaming down my face, wishing that i had someone in my life who would even consider giving me that ring. but i dont, and i'm miserable because of it.

where is he? God, i pray, please either help me control my sinful jealousy, or bring me someone to occupy my heart. i'm not asking for a husband, just someone to love and who will love me in return.

by far my most selfish post, ever. sometimes, i'm just a sucky person. sorry to disappoint.