rollercoaster

"i will buy you a garden, where your flowers can grow.
i will buy you a new car, perfect shiny and new.
i will buy you that big house, way out in the west hills.
i will buy you a new life. yes, i will."

that was my day today. i had a panic attack this evening because i'm selfishly flying off to LA tomorrow morning before my grandma's surgery. i know i'm just scared because last time i left, something so bad happened that i'll never shake it.

so what did i do? i dropped a few bills on a new purse. the coach store loves me now, my bank account, not so much. why do i compulsively spend? temporary fix. a momentary high that turns into a whirling lightheadedness a few hours later.

i always joke, "people say that money can't buy happiness, but i've bought much happiness in gucci, coach, and prada." but it's so not true. it makes me happy for a moment, then only leaves me wanting more. and each time i get upset about something, i feel the need to out-buy whatever i treated myself to the time before...

just another day in my crazy mind..

where has all of my faith gone?

i've been struggling, and that is no secret. there have been so many things going on in my life that make me want to turn away from my faith, to run from God.. to blame Him for the things that He is teaching me.

i am a person of fear. i fear God. i fear life. i fear death, though sometimes it is the light at the end of the tunnel. but my focus is wrong. how do i get back on that path that i spent so many summers on at SCBC? how do i find that faith that i was so strong in for so long? and most baffling-- how did i get so far away from it?

so many more questions than answers. so many things that i dont know the answer to, which just makes me more upset and more confused. but i dont need to know the answers, at least, not concretely. i just need to seek the answers. i'll be looking, i've made up my mind. hopefully this tool that God has put in front of me will help.

i'll be attending a 'shindig,' a worship service put on by netzer co-op, a project of a friend, on sunday. at first, during last semester, when i heard about this group, i thought it sounded cult-ish and scary.. but after a conversation with tim (a founder of the netzer co-op) at ChiroJava last week, God spoke to my heart. maybe this is what i need.

of course, i'm protecting myself and going in under the disguise of a reporter. but i'm really not so concerned about this story (oh, my gosh.. something MUST be wrong with me). i'm worried about myself, my spirituality, my calling. i need to learn what God wants me to be doing for this next year of my life. where am i supposed to go from here? i know i'm not supposed to stay where i am, slowly rotting away from selfishness and Godlessness. what is next, God?

Lord, speak to me.