rollercoaster

"i will buy you a garden, where your flowers can grow.
i will buy you a new car, perfect shiny and new.
i will buy you that big house, way out in the west hills.
i will buy you a new life. yes, i will."

that was my day today. i had a panic attack this evening because i'm selfishly flying off to LA tomorrow morning before my grandma's surgery. i know i'm just scared because last time i left, something so bad happened that i'll never shake it.

so what did i do? i dropped a few bills on a new purse. the coach store loves me now, my bank account, not so much. why do i compulsively spend? temporary fix. a momentary high that turns into a whirling lightheadedness a few hours later.

i always joke, "people say that money can't buy happiness, but i've bought much happiness in gucci, coach, and prada." but it's so not true. it makes me happy for a moment, then only leaves me wanting more. and each time i get upset about something, i feel the need to out-buy whatever i treated myself to the time before...

just another day in my crazy mind..