my past month seems so trivial, so unnecessary now. i wasted my time being upset about the ryan/jamie thing. i wasted time that needed to be spent elsewhere, worrying about the things that still matter-- my mom's cancer wasn't enough to bring me to my senses. it took the death of a friend to snap me back to reality... how sad is that?
but i have more questions than answers in this time of revelation. why? i don't understand anything. this beautiful woman that whitney was! with friends and family who loved her so much.. i don't understand what would make her feel that there was no way out... everyone is so hurt now, so helpless. whitney decided to end her own life on saturday while the rest of us slept, or, in my case, sat on the front porch with tyler fighting a hangover. while we sat, she left us forever. i just don't understand, whit. i just don't get it. why? why babe?
our little community has come back together-- corey said it best when he said that the only time we're all here at once is for a funeral. we've become each others' support systems; we've networked and come up with an information passing system. and we all cry. but we cried together. so shocked, so hurt, so confused, so lonely, but together.
coming back to seguin was hard.. almost as hard as driving home on saturday after i found out. i have wonderful friends here who listen, who hug, who sympathize... but its not the same. they don't know... how wonderful she was at encouraging everyone, how beautiful her smile was. she left behind her twin brother! how could she leave taylor? and ashley? and her parents? and vicki? everyone.. i just don't understand.
i just don't get it, whitney. why?
i never will understand.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Monday, September 3, 2007
september is looking up.
i made it through the first week alone... but i was never really alone. i have the most amazing friends and the most tolerant room mates ever and i LOVE them. i've cycled through the entire grief process, reverting and settling in at "mildly devastated and confused." i think this is where it stands for a while, and i'm going to accept that. i have other things to worry about...
...like writing a paper for vrooman's class about the effects of color and shot in Judy Garland's 1949 musical, "Meet Me in St. Louis" which i absolutely hated. i just don't care. and its even harder to get motivated to do anything for vrooman since he refuses to give out any marks higher than a 'b' and he only gives 1-2 of those each week. last week just wasn't my week. 3.75/5 points.. sucks.
i used an oil extracting face masque a few days ago and all of the toxins that were sucked out of my skin have manifested themselves all over my face; it has to get worse before it gets better.. but worse is gross as hell. my skin handles stress very poorly... and i've had enough stress. with the whole ryan/jamie thing on top of 3-5 pages due each week for vrooman, 3-5 pages due each week for dr. johnston (which i don't mind much, actually.. her class is fun), worrying about my project for design, the task of trying to figure out what dr. bollinger actually wants us to do for comm. and ID, and annoying emails from the one staff writer that has ever cared flooding my inbox daily, i have as much acne as a high school freshman boy going through puberty. gah.
things are getting better. really, they are. i've stayed busy. wednesday, we went to cowboys and i was drunk. it was a good feeling. emmalee drove me, and i was really excited to get to hang out with her. i like her a lot. her friend, mallory, was really cool too. the mixture of people (courtney--her birthday!, jpitt, cale, tyler, kimmy, cody, em and mal, lana, sketchy dave, leann) was really random, but it ended up being one of the better cowboys adventures i've been on. i'm looking for a repeat this week. friday night brought a soccer party down the street, and our house ended up being (in haby's words) the VIP section. i tend to like the small gatherings of non-vomiting friends that take place in my kitchen. and, haby is right-- our big red couch does add a celeb-section feeling to the house. the rest of the weekend was lazy. i slept a lot and laid around more than i should have. it was great.
kelly is stopping by my parent's house on her way back to TLU, and she's picking up my honey!! i'm so excited. mollie won't know what to do with herself this week, but honey needs the break, and i need my chihuahua. kimmy and sarah are more excited than they're letting on...
i dreamed last night about matt, a guy from sophomore year of high school. i'm not really sure what the dream was about, but i woke up with a smile on my face. i think it was just one of those good memory dreams. it weird though, his face keeps ducking in and out of my memories. hrmm. katy boys... gah.
anyway, just wanted to document that things are looking up. effexor is a good idea for me in times such as these.
here's to a good september.
...like writing a paper for vrooman's class about the effects of color and shot in Judy Garland's 1949 musical, "Meet Me in St. Louis" which i absolutely hated. i just don't care. and its even harder to get motivated to do anything for vrooman since he refuses to give out any marks higher than a 'b' and he only gives 1-2 of those each week. last week just wasn't my week. 3.75/5 points.. sucks.
i used an oil extracting face masque a few days ago and all of the toxins that were sucked out of my skin have manifested themselves all over my face; it has to get worse before it gets better.. but worse is gross as hell. my skin handles stress very poorly... and i've had enough stress. with the whole ryan/jamie thing on top of 3-5 pages due each week for vrooman, 3-5 pages due each week for dr. johnston (which i don't mind much, actually.. her class is fun), worrying about my project for design, the task of trying to figure out what dr. bollinger actually wants us to do for comm. and ID, and annoying emails from the one staff writer that has ever cared flooding my inbox daily, i have as much acne as a high school freshman boy going through puberty. gah.
things are getting better. really, they are. i've stayed busy. wednesday, we went to cowboys and i was drunk. it was a good feeling. emmalee drove me, and i was really excited to get to hang out with her. i like her a lot. her friend, mallory, was really cool too. the mixture of people (courtney--her birthday!, jpitt, cale, tyler, kimmy, cody, em and mal, lana, sketchy dave, leann) was really random, but it ended up being one of the better cowboys adventures i've been on. i'm looking for a repeat this week. friday night brought a soccer party down the street, and our house ended up being (in haby's words) the VIP section. i tend to like the small gatherings of non-vomiting friends that take place in my kitchen. and, haby is right-- our big red couch does add a celeb-section feeling to the house. the rest of the weekend was lazy. i slept a lot and laid around more than i should have. it was great.
kelly is stopping by my parent's house on her way back to TLU, and she's picking up my honey!! i'm so excited. mollie won't know what to do with herself this week, but honey needs the break, and i need my chihuahua. kimmy and sarah are more excited than they're letting on...
i dreamed last night about matt, a guy from sophomore year of high school. i'm not really sure what the dream was about, but i woke up with a smile on my face. i think it was just one of those good memory dreams. it weird though, his face keeps ducking in and out of my memories. hrmm. katy boys... gah.
anyway, just wanted to document that things are looking up. effexor is a good idea for me in times such as these.
here's to a good september.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
september 1, 2007
today has been easier. so far, so good. i think the lingering alcohol from last night is still helping.
it still sucks, but its easier to deal with the suckiness now.
it's thundering outside. i hope it storms.
it still sucks, but its easier to deal with the suckiness now.
it's thundering outside. i hope it storms.
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