the truth is something that i could never say out loud.
i'm so excited for bethany and chance, who just got engaged. i'm excited for all of my sisters who have just gotten engaged or married. i'm looking forward to rachel's wedding in september, and i'm working on my maid-of-honorly duties.
but, every time someone i love has a ring slipped on her finger, i cry a little bit more.
this is ridiculous, right? why should i be anything but elated for the happiness of my friends? why am i so jealous? i know exactly why. i want to be loved, and i want to be loved so badly.
tomorrow, i'll be more than excited and ready to hear all about chance's proposal and i'll be dying to see beth's ring in person. i'll be genuinely happy for them, and i know i will. but tonight, it just hurts. something that is completely uninvolved with me, hurts, because i have this uncontrollable jealousy. i HATE it. i just want to be happy for my friends, but i'm so tainted, it kills me. tonight, i sit here writing to no one with tears streaming down my face, wishing that i had someone in my life who would even consider giving me that ring. but i dont, and i'm miserable because of it.
where is he? God, i pray, please either help me control my sinful jealousy, or bring me someone to occupy my heart. i'm not asking for a husband, just someone to love and who will love me in return.
by far my most selfish post, ever. sometimes, i'm just a sucky person. sorry to disappoint.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
rollercoaster
"i will buy you a garden, where your flowers can grow.
i will buy you a new car, perfect shiny and new.
i will buy you that big house, way out in the west hills.
i will buy you a new life. yes, i will."
that was my day today. i had a panic attack this evening because i'm selfishly flying off to LA tomorrow morning before my grandma's surgery. i know i'm just scared because last time i left, something so bad happened that i'll never shake it.
so what did i do? i dropped a few bills on a new purse. the coach store loves me now, my bank account, not so much. why do i compulsively spend? temporary fix. a momentary high that turns into a whirling lightheadedness a few hours later.
i always joke, "people say that money can't buy happiness, but i've bought much happiness in gucci, coach, and prada." but it's so not true. it makes me happy for a moment, then only leaves me wanting more. and each time i get upset about something, i feel the need to out-buy whatever i treated myself to the time before...
just another day in my crazy mind..
i will buy you a new car, perfect shiny and new.
i will buy you that big house, way out in the west hills.
i will buy you a new life. yes, i will."
that was my day today. i had a panic attack this evening because i'm selfishly flying off to LA tomorrow morning before my grandma's surgery. i know i'm just scared because last time i left, something so bad happened that i'll never shake it.
so what did i do? i dropped a few bills on a new purse. the coach store loves me now, my bank account, not so much. why do i compulsively spend? temporary fix. a momentary high that turns into a whirling lightheadedness a few hours later.
i always joke, "people say that money can't buy happiness, but i've bought much happiness in gucci, coach, and prada." but it's so not true. it makes me happy for a moment, then only leaves me wanting more. and each time i get upset about something, i feel the need to out-buy whatever i treated myself to the time before...
just another day in my crazy mind..
Monday, June 9, 2008
where has all of my faith gone?
i've been struggling, and that is no secret. there have been so many things going on in my life that make me want to turn away from my faith, to run from God.. to blame Him for the things that He is teaching me.
i am a person of fear. i fear God. i fear life. i fear death, though sometimes it is the light at the end of the tunnel. but my focus is wrong. how do i get back on that path that i spent so many summers on at SCBC? how do i find that faith that i was so strong in for so long? and most baffling-- how did i get so far away from it?
so many more questions than answers. so many things that i dont know the answer to, which just makes me more upset and more confused. but i dont need to know the answers, at least, not concretely. i just need to seek the answers. i'll be looking, i've made up my mind. hopefully this tool that God has put in front of me will help.
i'll be attending a 'shindig,' a worship service put on by netzer co-op, a project of a friend, on sunday. at first, during last semester, when i heard about this group, i thought it sounded cult-ish and scary.. but after a conversation with tim (a founder of the netzer co-op) at ChiroJava last week, God spoke to my heart. maybe this is what i need.
of course, i'm protecting myself and going in under the disguise of a reporter. but i'm really not so concerned about this story (oh, my gosh.. something MUST be wrong with me). i'm worried about myself, my spirituality, my calling. i need to learn what God wants me to be doing for this next year of my life. where am i supposed to go from here? i know i'm not supposed to stay where i am, slowly rotting away from selfishness and Godlessness. what is next, God?
Lord, speak to me.
i am a person of fear. i fear God. i fear life. i fear death, though sometimes it is the light at the end of the tunnel. but my focus is wrong. how do i get back on that path that i spent so many summers on at SCBC? how do i find that faith that i was so strong in for so long? and most baffling-- how did i get so far away from it?
so many more questions than answers. so many things that i dont know the answer to, which just makes me more upset and more confused. but i dont need to know the answers, at least, not concretely. i just need to seek the answers. i'll be looking, i've made up my mind. hopefully this tool that God has put in front of me will help.
i'll be attending a 'shindig,' a worship service put on by netzer co-op, a project of a friend, on sunday. at first, during last semester, when i heard about this group, i thought it sounded cult-ish and scary.. but after a conversation with tim (a founder of the netzer co-op) at ChiroJava last week, God spoke to my heart. maybe this is what i need.
of course, i'm protecting myself and going in under the disguise of a reporter. but i'm really not so concerned about this story (oh, my gosh.. something MUST be wrong with me). i'm worried about myself, my spirituality, my calling. i need to learn what God wants me to be doing for this next year of my life. where am i supposed to go from here? i know i'm not supposed to stay where i am, slowly rotting away from selfishness and Godlessness. what is next, God?
Lord, speak to me.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Bier and Art
I'm on the phone with my Mom! It's always great to hear her voice. Okay, now I'm on the phone with Grandma. Things are good at home, and that puts my mind at east. I'm paranoid that I'll miss some event at home while I'm away, and I know I can't just jump in the car and go to my family if it needs me, which bothers me a bit. Things will be fine, and I know it. I
Things are really good here. I know that my parents get worried when they hear the tiredness in my voice, but I know its a good tired-- I've been so busy and having SO much fun that by the time I talk to my parents, I'm just worn out. Today we went to the National Art Gallery here. One of my favorite artists, a glass blower named Chihuly, has an exhibit here. It was really cool to get to see. This morning we went to a beer brewery. It was really really cool to see how they make beer and then to get to "sample" the finished product (I had three glasses!).
It was a nice change of pace from yesterday's lectures and Jewish Quarter wandering. I really wish I would have gotten to see the Old Jewish Cemetery up close, but I wasn't willing to pay 200 Kc to do it. Blah.
I had dinner at my favorite Prague restaurant tonight, so I'm full and happy. I had spaghetti with chicken and mozzarella which makes me smile. I also had a whiskey and coke, which was a nice change of pace from all of the beer from earlier in the day.
Tonight we're supposed to go to a club called Anubis. I'm hoping that it will be a good time and that we can go out with a big bang before everyone else leaves to come home on Thursday and Angela and I move on to Munich.
We WILL buy our train tickets tomorrow. Michael said we can get student passes which will be cheaper. That will put my mind at ease about traveling. I'm really looking forward to Munich and Vienna.
I'm going to go watch The Hills online. Its time to catch up on my guilty American pleasure. Ahoj!
-kessi
Things are really good here. I know that my parents get worried when they hear the tiredness in my voice, but I know its a good tired-- I've been so busy and having SO much fun that by the time I talk to my parents, I'm just worn out. Today we went to the National Art Gallery here. One of my favorite artists, a glass blower named Chihuly, has an exhibit here. It was really cool to get to see. This morning we went to a beer brewery. It was really really cool to see how they make beer and then to get to "sample" the finished product (I had three glasses!).
It was a nice change of pace from yesterday's lectures and Jewish Quarter wandering. I really wish I would have gotten to see the Old Jewish Cemetery up close, but I wasn't willing to pay 200 Kc to do it. Blah.
I had dinner at my favorite Prague restaurant tonight, so I'm full and happy. I had spaghetti with chicken and mozzarella which makes me smile. I also had a whiskey and coke, which was a nice change of pace from all of the beer from earlier in the day.
Tonight we're supposed to go to a club called Anubis. I'm hoping that it will be a good time and that we can go out with a big bang before everyone else leaves to come home on Thursday and Angela and I move on to Munich.
We WILL buy our train tickets tomorrow. Michael said we can get student passes which will be cheaper. That will put my mind at ease about traveling. I'm really looking forward to Munich and Vienna.
I'm going to go watch The Hills online. Its time to catch up on my guilty American pleasure. Ahoj!
-kessi
Sunday, May 18, 2008
A Letter to Home
Mom,
It was good to talk to you today. It was a good day. Terezin (the concentration camp) was really really interesting. Right up my alley, you know. We also saw the National Cemetery. It was kind of disappointing because it had a lot of uniform headstones. I had a great time despite the lame cemetery.
really had to reflect on a lot of things while I was there. Our family is so lucky. We're not torn apart by anything-- not an evil dictator, not family feuds, not illness (despite the Webster controversy). All of these Jews and Eastern Europeans were torn from their loved ones because of their appearance and who they pray to. Walking through the different parts of the concentration camp, I realized how our loved ones can be so close, yet so far away at the same time. I'm glad we're so close as a family. I'm glad we live in a time and country that isn't going to tear us apart and throw us into cells to wither away and die. I was listening to the birds chirp in the concentration camp and I wondered how they could sing in such an evil place. But birds don't know evil, humans do. And we have seen the Holocaust. And we need to learn from it and be grateful that it isn't us. That it won't be us. Amen.
This afternoon we went to New Town and shopped a little. Thats when I called you from the Internet Cafe. After the Cafe, we ate at a cute little French restaurant. The food was the best that I've had in Europe and the dessert, Cheesecake with peaches, was the best I've had in my entire life. It was unbelievable.
Will you call Patronella's office tomorrow and tell her I'm abroad but I [...CENSORED...] You know, all screwed up like normal! ;)
Anyway, I'm going to go. We have an early morning tomorrow so I think we're going to bed early. Tell Daddy and Kylee I said hi, and make sure to let me know that Grandma got home okay.
All my love,
Kes
It was good to talk to you today. It was a good day. Terezin (the concentration camp) was really really interesting. Right up my alley, you know. We also saw the National Cemetery. It was kind of disappointing because it had a lot of uniform headstones. I had a great time despite the lame cemetery.
really had to reflect on a lot of things while I was there. Our family is so lucky. We're not torn apart by anything-- not an evil dictator, not family feuds, not illness (despite the Webster controversy). All of these Jews and Eastern Europeans were torn from their loved ones because of their appearance and who they pray to. Walking through the different parts of the concentration camp, I realized how our loved ones can be so close, yet so far away at the same time. I'm glad we're so close as a family. I'm glad we live in a time and country that isn't going to tear us apart and throw us into cells to wither away and die. I was listening to the birds chirp in the concentration camp and I wondered how they could sing in such an evil place. But birds don't know evil, humans do. And we have seen the Holocaust. And we need to learn from it and be grateful that it isn't us. That it won't be us. Amen.
This afternoon we went to New Town and shopped a little. Thats when I called you from the Internet Cafe. After the Cafe, we ate at a cute little French restaurant. The food was the best that I've had in Europe and the dessert, Cheesecake with peaches, was the best I've had in my entire life. It was unbelievable.
Will you call Patronella's office tomorrow and tell her I'm abroad but I [...CENSORED...] You know, all screwed up like normal! ;)
Anyway, I'm going to go. We have an early morning tomorrow so I think we're going to bed early. Tell Daddy and Kylee I said hi, and make sure to let me know that Grandma got home okay.
All my love,
Kes
A day at the therma springs spa
The spa day was fabulous. Karlovy Vary may not only be one of the prettiest places I’ve ever seen, but it was also one of the most relaxing spas that I have ever been to in my life. The main spa room was absolutely gorgeous with it’s large mineral fed pool as the focal point. I felt completely pampered all day long with my dip in the pool, my underwater massage, a hydrotherapy “keipp” treatment (alternation of very hot and very cold water on the tissue and veins in the legs), and an oxygen treatment. It was definitely worth the 42 Euros and the 3.5 hour train ride each way.
I got to see a spring-fed geyser (that is how Word told me to spell it, it doesn’t look right) and was some-what harassed by a nice old Russian woman who wanted me to take her picture. There were several requirements: 1) She needed her whole body in the shot-- other people cut her in half, and this is not acceptable. 2) She wanted a) the whole geiser and b) the entire row of mineral water fountains in her pictures. 3) Other people didn’t need to be in the pictures-- she doesn’t need them. Also, she was amazed that two Americans would come (just for the day) all the way to Karlovy Vary just to bathe in the spas. We just laughed at this.
The fillers of the day consisted of Dr. Bisha conversing in Russian with various Russian speakers and me wishing I could pick up more Czech. I’ve forgotten SO much. Dr. Bisha suggested an exchange program while in law school that would put me in the culture for a few months. My Czech, she said, would be great if I did that. I want to do it. I’ve added it to my Bucket List.
We took a Metro from the train station in Praha to Vaclav Namesti and found some dry pizza for dinner, then made our journey down the square to the tram stop. I was trying to buy a sausage when our number 9 pulled up, so I threw my Kc back in my wallet and jumped on the tram home.
I fell asleep pretty quickly. Probably because I was so relaxed from my pleasant spa day. I have to admit, my trip to Karlovy Vary has been the highlight of my European excursion thus far.
Dobry den.
-kessi
I got to see a spring-fed geyser (that is how Word told me to spell it, it doesn’t look right) and was some-what harassed by a nice old Russian woman who wanted me to take her picture. There were several requirements: 1) She needed her whole body in the shot-- other people cut her in half, and this is not acceptable. 2) She wanted a) the whole geiser and b) the entire row of mineral water fountains in her pictures. 3) Other people didn’t need to be in the pictures-- she doesn’t need them. Also, she was amazed that two Americans would come (just for the day) all the way to Karlovy Vary just to bathe in the spas. We just laughed at this.
The fillers of the day consisted of Dr. Bisha conversing in Russian with various Russian speakers and me wishing I could pick up more Czech. I’ve forgotten SO much. Dr. Bisha suggested an exchange program while in law school that would put me in the culture for a few months. My Czech, she said, would be great if I did that. I want to do it. I’ve added it to my Bucket List.
We took a Metro from the train station in Praha to Vaclav Namesti and found some dry pizza for dinner, then made our journey down the square to the tram stop. I was trying to buy a sausage when our number 9 pulled up, so I threw my Kc back in my wallet and jumped on the tram home.
I fell asleep pretty quickly. Probably because I was so relaxed from my pleasant spa day. I have to admit, my trip to Karlovy Vary has been the highlight of my European excursion thus far.
Dobry den.
-kessi
Day 2. Getting lost and Catching up.
Today we went on a tour of Old Town and I got lost. Twice. The first time, Chantel and I got lost because we stopped to try to find shoes. Well, we found shoes, and Chantel paid 1650 Kc for a mediocre pair of black and gold Nikes. After we finished with the shoe shopping, we realized that we had lost the group. Now, I know this sounds like a “duh” moment-- you went shopping and the group didn’t stop, no shit, you’re lost. But it wasn’t like that. We really thought that the group was going to the Powder Tower. So we figured we’d just catch up with them at the Tower and things would be fine. But they didn’t go to the Powder Tower. In fact, we still don’t know where they went. But we do know that they at one point ended up in the Old Town Square, which is where we reunited. Chantel and I looked like dumbasses sprinting across this multi-century old cobble stone masterpiece of architecture, screaming “Rob! Dom!” but we couldn’t control ourselves. Being found truly is Amazing Grace.
The second time I got lost I was with Michael, our Praha guide extrodinare. It was my fault. I had to pee. So Michael spotted me 5 Kc and I was off to pay for the potty in McDonalds (which, ironically, has the cleanest restrooms in Praha). I did my business and came back out, found Michael, and we set off walking in the direction that we thought the tour guide had taken the rest of the group. Wrong, again. We were completely lost from the group. This time, though, I was lost with another tour guide, which made me feel much better than I felt when I was lost with Chantel. Michael and I walked around for about an hour and a half, then my feet just couldn’t take it anymore. Michael left me in Old Town Square to grab a bite (chocolate cake, 169 Kc, way, WAY over priced) while he went out in search of the group.
At 2:30, when I was supposed to meet Michael under the OTS Clock, I met up with Angela, Alana, and Laura. Fifteen minutes later, Michael came back and we told him that everyone had split up. Then the girls and I went and found a quaint little bakery cafe and had bagels with chicken and cheese for lunch. I also had some fresh squeezed orange juice which was super delicious. It was only about $6 (USD) which was nice. We were just finishing dessert when we found Dr. Bisha and Dr. Gresham. We encouraged them to take advantage of the good food and low prices, and they did.
After we finished eating, we went to the tourist information station and Dr. Bisha, Dr. Gresham, Angela, and Laura bought tickets to a symphony. I bet they’re going to have a good time. I decided to keep my 870 Kc ($50-$60 USD) for beer. Dr. Bisha laughed at this notion.
Next we were off to the Museum of Communism. There, I took a lot of pictures and got a lot of research done for my paper that has to be written some time in the next month. The paper is going to end up being a little bit different than I expected. The main focus of the paper is going to be about the reasons that one might write in an absurdist manner following the collapse of the confining rules of communism. I want to find a way to incorporate: “One death is a tragedy. One million deaths is a statistic.” (Josef Stalin) into my paper. I’m not sure how I’m going to do it. I think I have a lot of good ideas and information already, so we’ll see how it goes. I’m just hoping for motivation at this point. Speak to me, Praha!
We took the tram back from Old Town and now I’m sitting in my room, thinking about a shower and hoping that we have fun when we go out tonight. I’m sure we’ll find something interesting to do. Dom was talking about going to a bar and having another shot of absinth, but I think I’m going to abstain. We’ll just see how many beers they get in me before they suggest the absinth. Ha, abstaining from absinth... funny.
Anyway, I’m out. Kessi, signing off on day 2: Pace!
The second time I got lost I was with Michael, our Praha guide extrodinare. It was my fault. I had to pee. So Michael spotted me 5 Kc and I was off to pay for the potty in McDonalds (which, ironically, has the cleanest restrooms in Praha). I did my business and came back out, found Michael, and we set off walking in the direction that we thought the tour guide had taken the rest of the group. Wrong, again. We were completely lost from the group. This time, though, I was lost with another tour guide, which made me feel much better than I felt when I was lost with Chantel. Michael and I walked around for about an hour and a half, then my feet just couldn’t take it anymore. Michael left me in Old Town Square to grab a bite (chocolate cake, 169 Kc, way, WAY over priced) while he went out in search of the group.
At 2:30, when I was supposed to meet Michael under the OTS Clock, I met up with Angela, Alana, and Laura. Fifteen minutes later, Michael came back and we told him that everyone had split up. Then the girls and I went and found a quaint little bakery cafe and had bagels with chicken and cheese for lunch. I also had some fresh squeezed orange juice which was super delicious. It was only about $6 (USD) which was nice. We were just finishing dessert when we found Dr. Bisha and Dr. Gresham. We encouraged them to take advantage of the good food and low prices, and they did.
After we finished eating, we went to the tourist information station and Dr. Bisha, Dr. Gresham, Angela, and Laura bought tickets to a symphony. I bet they’re going to have a good time. I decided to keep my 870 Kc ($50-$60 USD) for beer. Dr. Bisha laughed at this notion.
Next we were off to the Museum of Communism. There, I took a lot of pictures and got a lot of research done for my paper that has to be written some time in the next month. The paper is going to end up being a little bit different than I expected. The main focus of the paper is going to be about the reasons that one might write in an absurdist manner following the collapse of the confining rules of communism. I want to find a way to incorporate: “One death is a tragedy. One million deaths is a statistic.” (Josef Stalin) into my paper. I’m not sure how I’m going to do it. I think I have a lot of good ideas and information already, so we’ll see how it goes. I’m just hoping for motivation at this point. Speak to me, Praha!
We took the tram back from Old Town and now I’m sitting in my room, thinking about a shower and hoping that we have fun when we go out tonight. I’m sure we’ll find something interesting to do. Dom was talking about going to a bar and having another shot of absinth, but I think I’m going to abstain. We’ll just see how many beers they get in me before they suggest the absinth. Ha, abstaining from absinth... funny.
Anyway, I’m out. Kessi, signing off on day 2: Pace!
Day 1, much travel, little sleep.
I am SO tired. It has been something like 38 hours since I've slept, and it is starting to be physically and mentally painful. Things are really hard because somewhere in the time change I missed my medicine, which has resulted in a bad mood that is magnified by drowsiness.
Despite this, I'm really excited to be in Europe and I'm ready to begin Mission: Explore Praha.
---
We walked around Vaclam Namesti (Venseslas Square) and Old Town Square today. We also saw Karl's (Charles') Bridge. Everything here is so freaking gorgeous... and OLD. There are things that date back to the 13th century and even a few things from before that. It's crazy to think that anything could have survived that long.
My feet hurt so badly right now. My ankles are swollen from the plane ride and each step hurts, but I want to see things so badly! Tomorrow we get a tour of the Old Town, which excites me. Hopefully my feet and ankles will be better by then!
For now, I'm exhausted so I'm going to go pass out (it is around 7:30 pm local time). Will write more tomorrow.
Ahoj! Praha's swollen explorer. -kessi
Despite this, I'm really excited to be in Europe and I'm ready to begin Mission: Explore Praha.
---
We walked around Vaclam Namesti (Venseslas Square) and Old Town Square today. We also saw Karl's (Charles') Bridge. Everything here is so freaking gorgeous... and OLD. There are things that date back to the 13th century and even a few things from before that. It's crazy to think that anything could have survived that long.
My feet hurt so badly right now. My ankles are swollen from the plane ride and each step hurts, but I want to see things so badly! Tomorrow we get a tour of the Old Town, which excites me. Hopefully my feet and ankles will be better by then!
For now, I'm exhausted so I'm going to go pass out (it is around 7:30 pm local time). Will write more tomorrow.
Ahoj! Praha's swollen explorer. -kessi
Europe, the Introduction
For the past six days, I've been traveling around Prague and taking in Europe. I've been keeping a journal which I will post here for your viewing pleasure. I'll also add pictures when I have a chance. I hope that things are well State-side, and I welcome questions and comments.
All my love,
Kessi
All my love,
Kessi
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
