this is my most pathetic post ever.

i've got a lot going on in the brain right now, so i'm just going to write it out. and here it goes:

my life is great. it is absolutely wonderful. things have been rough lately, losing love, whitney, and pa, but really, i should bounce back from that in time. i have amazing friends, and by amazing, i mean people who stand beside me no matter what, stick up for me when i need it, and who are there no matter what tragedy i'm going through. i have the most wonderful family that anyone could ever ask for. we thrive off of each other, and i rely on them so much. i'm so lucky to have such a great net of support around me.

nothing is going wrong. everything from the outside looking in looks so incredibly perfect. school is fine, annoying, but fine. amazing things are happening in my potential-career life, too. i'm networking and making contacts that seem too-good-to-be-true, to be quite cliche.

i've always been fond of my alone time-- everyone used to complain about the nights where i just felt like staying in and sleeping, myspace-ing, or watching a movie alone. but lately, alone time is getting to me more and more. it's not so bad during the day, but at night, i don't know. i just get sad. it seems like i get teary, sentimental, depressed even, for no reason at all.

tonight i was hanging out with emmalee and tyler, like usual, having a good time in the freezing cold on the porch, and it was great. everyone got tired, so they went home, and by home, i mean tyler's house, and i came in. i put away the awesome halloween cookies that i made, came in and laid down, and called tommy. i woke him up, which was mean of me. we got off the phone, AIMed for a few minutes, and i sent him to sleep in his east coast lameness.

and now i'm sitting here in bed, kind of cold and really sad. but what the hell am i sad about? i have absolutely no reason to be sad right now. i'm swallowing my effexor daily, so i dont get it. its supposed to take away the depression symptoms, isn't it? so is there something really wrong with me on a deeper level? am i really just fucking crazy? sometimes i just don't understand myself.

i'm pretty sure no one ever reads this, which is good. i like it that way. this is MY place. i let the private stuff out here, and i generally don't want people to see me in the state that im usually in when i post blogs. i'm a sad blogger, i guess. some of my posts have been pseudo-happy. some angry. most, sad. idk. i just dk.

i'll probably not sleep tonight. i usually don't sleep much when i'm like this. maybe i'll actually get some laundry done in the early morning hours while it freezes outside. shit, speaking of freezes, i need to add antifreeze to my car and cover the bushes with sheets. i'm off to do that, since occupying my stupid mind is generally a good thing to do. it keeps me from having self pity. i'd rather have self disgust than self pity.

kessi, out.